i'm generally not a wallower... it's a habit i outgrew long ago... like the habit i once had to never look anyone in they eye and the habit i once had to trim my nails with my teeth... i just don't like to wallow... it gets mucky and murky and cold and lonely. and who wants that for any extended amount of time? and if you do want that... my friend, perhaps you should begin wiggling out...
so after spending two days wallowing in fear and paralysis and 'why is this happening to me? what is wrong with me? who did i fuck over in a previous life in order to deserve this? *whinge, whine, whinge again*', i have found myself on the receiving end of a few (few meaning more than 2, but not quite more than 3) bits of yippie-type news.
piece, the first :
the interview i went on last week finally got back to me... they are planning to interview for the next few weeks and will be in touch in mid-december for next steps. ok.. that's not a kick in the teeth. now, is it?
second ray of sunshine :
while on an epic phone conversation with wee-kelly (thanks for your ear, luv) i got a phone message from the head of an a&r department here in toronto. a few weeks ago i heard about a potential opening from a couple of my music contacts and followed up on it. i had called him twice and hadn't heard anything and was just wondering whether or not to surrender to dorothy when i get the message with an apology (!?!) for not getting back to me sooner. turns out he was out of town. i may have an interview next monday.... just playing phone tag with him right now.
third thing not resembling a swift kick in the teeth :
even more weeks ago i had gotten a lead from an old boss of mine. the job is for an office manager for a company that works exclusively with music artist managers. i could do that job with my eyes closed... except for the "thrill" and "excitement" of dealing with artist managers... they are such a breed apart. a friend of mine who was once managing a band signed to a major label was once told by that label's president, "you aren't a big enough asshole to be a great manager". that's basically the personality-type. aggressive, pushy, mouthy and tough. gotta love 'em.
so little bits of growing greenery seem to be pushing their upward... off to go water the seeds....
also - it's time for an overhaul... good-bye current blogger look and hello to the new blogger look that's already on it's way....
[music | david usher, "souring"]
11.30.2005
11.29.2005
so much, so little, so what?
since i last wrote we've had snow, several days of shovelling, several days of rain which has taken away most of the snow, i still have no money for december, canada's minority government fell and we're having an election in january.
snow.
every time snow falls here in toronto, i begin to wonder about all the people who are new to this country. the ones who have lived their entire lives in a much warmer climate and then all of a sudden find themselves in the middle of ice and snow and slush and grey skies for months on end. and the worst bit of all... the bitter bitter winds. actually, i don't think i mind winter too much - except for the winds. i am no fan of the winter wind. this snow had me wondering about my poor little mexican friend i met a few weeks ago... it was a warmish autumn day and he was absolutely freezing... poor guy. he's probably was in shock when the snow came and stayed.
rain.
the several days of snow were followed by several days of rain, in fact, it's still raining. now, that's more of the toronto weather that is expected. normally november is the month of umbrella's and soaked pant cuffs. i think they are calling for more snow tomorrow... looks like we're in for a long winter.
job / money.
*sigh* don't think i want to write about this. energy follows thought and i'm right now in a pretty low-ebb of positive energy about this topic. anything i write will probably just damage further. though, i will say that when you have an interview with a company and you send them a thank you note asking for the timeline of their interview process, it's only proper that they write back to you. i'm sending them a little 'follow-up' request today.
government.
a year-and-a-half ago we had an election and the ruling liberal party was voted back in, though as a minority government. minority government's are tricky things... so tricky that last night a vote of non-confidence was introduced and was passed. the liberals could not defeat it. this is a very simplistic view, by-the-way. i also have very little positive energy for our politics.
so on january 23rd, we're off to go vote to put a party in power again. my guess is that it will be a liberal minority government again. though, it could easily become a conservative-minority. it will NOT be a safe and comfy majority government, that is for certain. it also appears to be shaping up to be a rather negative campaign.. the liberals must fight for their lives and will come out slinging mud and arrows any which way they can. the conservatives already have the reputation of being negative... so my guess is that they will try to position themselves as the moral high-ground (they will do their best to ape the success that bush's right-wing christian moral majority republican's won in the last american election. urgh.)
somewhat happy things.
i am planning on seeing an amazing artist tonight. the unique chris koster is having a free show at the horseshoe tonight. i want to go... but mentally and emotionally i may not just be up to it.
my dear friend kelly is having her annual winter artshow in her house this weekend. she comes across the most 'interesting' people... last year i had a long and painful and protracted conversation with a creepy-strange man from her neighbourhood that drums in his basement and likes to invite the 16-year-olds to come hang out and learn to drum. ahem. he also then tried to tell me what a serious buddhist he is and how healing mediation can be. there are always characters at her events. she's been working on her smithing lately... yes, my wee friend kelly is a blacksmith. these are a few of her creations and this summer she sold the piece on the far right-side of the photo. yey!
this thursday another friend of mine is holding an event called, "dine, wine and divine" at mitzie's sister on queen west. it's a fund raiser for a pagan conference she is putting on next february and she has tarot readers for 10.00 a pop. as you may or may not know, i do read tarot for other folk, but i have the most difficult time getting a decent reading for myself. and not that i rule my life by divinations... but i think in this time of such wild uncertainty... a little tarot is a good thing. tarot tells you nothing you don't already know... it just brings things up and puts them in a context for you to move forward from. hard to explain... you're either a tarot gurl/boy or you're not.
finally.... don't you all just want to be this baby giraffe?
[music | chris koster, "if you see me"]
snow.
every time snow falls here in toronto, i begin to wonder about all the people who are new to this country. the ones who have lived their entire lives in a much warmer climate and then all of a sudden find themselves in the middle of ice and snow and slush and grey skies for months on end. and the worst bit of all... the bitter bitter winds. actually, i don't think i mind winter too much - except for the winds. i am no fan of the winter wind. this snow had me wondering about my poor little mexican friend i met a few weeks ago... it was a warmish autumn day and he was absolutely freezing... poor guy. he's probably was in shock when the snow came and stayed.
rain.
the several days of snow were followed by several days of rain, in fact, it's still raining. now, that's more of the toronto weather that is expected. normally november is the month of umbrella's and soaked pant cuffs. i think they are calling for more snow tomorrow... looks like we're in for a long winter.
job / money.
*sigh* don't think i want to write about this. energy follows thought and i'm right now in a pretty low-ebb of positive energy about this topic. anything i write will probably just damage further. though, i will say that when you have an interview with a company and you send them a thank you note asking for the timeline of their interview process, it's only proper that they write back to you. i'm sending them a little 'follow-up' request today.
government.
a year-and-a-half ago we had an election and the ruling liberal party was voted back in, though as a minority government. minority government's are tricky things... so tricky that last night a vote of non-confidence was introduced and was passed. the liberals could not defeat it. this is a very simplistic view, by-the-way. i also have very little positive energy for our politics.
so on january 23rd, we're off to go vote to put a party in power again. my guess is that it will be a liberal minority government again. though, it could easily become a conservative-minority. it will NOT be a safe and comfy majority government, that is for certain. it also appears to be shaping up to be a rather negative campaign.. the liberals must fight for their lives and will come out slinging mud and arrows any which way they can. the conservatives already have the reputation of being negative... so my guess is that they will try to position themselves as the moral high-ground (they will do their best to ape the success that bush's right-wing christian moral majority republican's won in the last american election. urgh.)
somewhat happy things.
i am planning on seeing an amazing artist tonight. the unique chris koster is having a free show at the horseshoe tonight. i want to go... but mentally and emotionally i may not just be up to it.
my dear friend kelly is having her annual winter artshow in her house this weekend. she comes across the most 'interesting' people... last year i had a long and painful and protracted conversation with a creepy-strange man from her neighbourhood that drums in his basement and likes to invite the 16-year-olds to come hang out and learn to drum. ahem. he also then tried to tell me what a serious buddhist he is and how healing mediation can be. there are always characters at her events. she's been working on her smithing lately... yes, my wee friend kelly is a blacksmith. these are a few of her creations and this summer she sold the piece on the far right-side of the photo. yey!
this thursday another friend of mine is holding an event called, "dine, wine and divine" at mitzie's sister on queen west. it's a fund raiser for a pagan conference she is putting on next february and she has tarot readers for 10.00 a pop. as you may or may not know, i do read tarot for other folk, but i have the most difficult time getting a decent reading for myself. and not that i rule my life by divinations... but i think in this time of such wild uncertainty... a little tarot is a good thing. tarot tells you nothing you don't already know... it just brings things up and puts them in a context for you to move forward from. hard to explain... you're either a tarot gurl/boy or you're not.
finally.... don't you all just want to be this baby giraffe?
[music | chris koster, "if you see me"]
11.24.2005
tombigbee = jodi's fucked
i am so fucked. it's not even funny. long tedious upsetting story made short... i was laid off of my job last december. i got a package and quailified for E.I. from the feds. i got a letter from hrdc saying my claim was for xx amount of weeks and was available to me until february 2006. i misinterpreted the government-speak and took it to mean that the amount of weeks i was eligible for took me until february.
well. i was wrong. o-so-wrong.
i got a notice in the mail today that told me my benefits were ending soon. i thought to myself, 'yes, in february, thanks for the long warning, twits.' i called and got the bad news that i have only 2 more weeks of benefits left. that means when i file my claim next friday i am without money.
i am also currently without a job.
so you see
well. i was wrong. o-so-wrong.
i got a notice in the mail today that told me my benefits were ending soon. i thought to myself, 'yes, in february, thanks for the long warning, twits.' i called and got the bad news that i have only 2 more weeks of benefits left. that means when i file my claim next friday i am without money.
i am also currently without a job.
so you see
/////// i . am . fucked ///////
luckily, i was able to get on the phone and arrange some potential data entry work with a former employer. see, i'm not unemployable. THEY love me. even if no one else in the hiring market does. so i could be drastically under-employed, but at least i would be employed. somewhat. and there is a potential GREAT piece of news out of this too.... my former employer is on the verge of signing an agreement with another organization to start and run a new venture. and if that is the case, my old employer would hire me on full-time as a supervisor to hire and train new staff and set the procedures up. i want this to happen. please....
also, i was on a job interview yesterday afternoon and it went well. it was for a project manager for a canadian company that sells downloadable tracks and provides e-commerce stores to other companies that are looking to sell music online as well. it's not my dream job, but it is in music and it is project management - which i am quite good at (if i do say so myself). cross your fingers and toes and boobs / balls (if you got 'em) for me.
to sum up... the lyrics to tori amos' song 'tombigbee' really fit my frame of mind right now. so, without further ado :
[music | tori amos, "tombigbee"] (if you don't know this song, find it and listen to it)
also, i was on a job interview yesterday afternoon and it went well. it was for a project manager for a canadian company that sells downloadable tracks and provides e-commerce stores to other companies that are looking to sell music online as well. it's not my dream job, but it is in music and it is project management - which i am quite good at (if i do say so myself). cross your fingers and toes and boobs / balls (if you got 'em) for me.
to sum up... the lyrics to tori amos' song 'tombigbee' really fit my frame of mind right now. so, without further ado :
To you it's another day
to me it's a grim reaping
just another shooting star
strung out on your wire
prick my finger
on his virgin silver
he took me raw, Ginger -
it carmelized me
Tombigbee, Tombigbee
help me hang these bones
gotta hang these bones out to dry
he loved me, he loved me, ravishingly, low
gonna hang these bones out to dry
dry, dry, dry
oh, you do it, man
Got a blackberry stain
and they're not even in season
if you're not yet a woman
you got no business playing at this
Tombigbee, Tombigbee
help me hang these bones
gotta hang these bones out to dry
he loved me, he loved me, ravishingly, low
gonna hang these bones out to dry
dry, dry, dry
oh, you do it, man
so you get done
then you get some
sure enough, it won't hold you for long
then you say "right.
this is all mine"
but hasn't your donor card expired
from Blueridge to Cattail
on the prairie
from fly over country
back through Mississippi
I said go, man you go
well you raise me twenty
I'm raising you five
hundred treaties signed by your father's lies
just go man, you go
cause I'm trailing her tears
the ones you won't hold
you roll me a carpet
roll me a carpet, boy
roll me a carpet from here to Oklahoma
Tombigbee, Tombigbee
help me hang this bone
gotta hang these bones out to dry
he loved me, he loved me, ravishingly, low
gonna hang these bones out to dry
to dry, dry, dry
I'll do again
dry, dry, dry
to me it's a grim reaping
just another shooting star
strung out on your wire
prick my finger
on his virgin silver
he took me raw, Ginger -
it carmelized me
Tombigbee, Tombigbee
help me hang these bones
gotta hang these bones out to dry
he loved me, he loved me, ravishingly, low
gonna hang these bones out to dry
dry, dry, dry
oh, you do it, man
Got a blackberry stain
and they're not even in season
if you're not yet a woman
you got no business playing at this
Tombigbee, Tombigbee
help me hang these bones
gotta hang these bones out to dry
he loved me, he loved me, ravishingly, low
gonna hang these bones out to dry
dry, dry, dry
oh, you do it, man
so you get done
then you get some
sure enough, it won't hold you for long
then you say "right.
this is all mine"
but hasn't your donor card expired
from Blueridge to Cattail
on the prairie
from fly over country
back through Mississippi
I said go, man you go
well you raise me twenty
I'm raising you five
hundred treaties signed by your father's lies
just go man, you go
cause I'm trailing her tears
the ones you won't hold
you roll me a carpet
roll me a carpet, boy
roll me a carpet from here to Oklahoma
Tombigbee, Tombigbee
help me hang this bone
gotta hang these bones out to dry
he loved me, he loved me, ravishingly, low
gonna hang these bones out to dry
to dry, dry, dry
I'll do again
dry, dry, dry
[music | tori amos, "tombigbee"] (if you don't know this song, find it and listen to it)
11.23.2005
my top 10
after seeing a particularity disturbing search query that someone used to find me, i thought i'd post the 10 most recent searches that brought web seekers to my site. by the way... the really distrubing search that prompted this post is the first one :
raine maida shirtless
o. mi. gods. how disgusting is this!?! eeewwww. (and how immature am i for this response?) i was probably bitching about raine acting like he thinks he's lord of the universe or something... and who knows what i was rambling about with the whole shirtless thing
jodi yoga (this came up 3 times)
i am addicted to yoga. yes, it is true. but i think these searchers were looking for a jodi in new york who is a yoga instructor of some renown. actually, when you search that, you come up with a lot of yoga instructors named jodi. maybe it's the new prerequisite... damn, another missed calling
spontaneous human combustion
*shudders* i have long held a bizarre fascination with this phenomenon. may it never happen to me or to you or to anyone we know.
abba
this needs no explanation. abba ruled when i was 8 and abba still rules. i love it when people seach music and find my page.
chris koster
more music searches! yey for chris that ppl are searching him. then again, this visitor was from kingston... so it may have actually been chris himself.... *wink*
debbie harry
*sigh* who doesn't love blondie?
drugs and sport
interesting. lord knows that i have never ranted about drugs in sport... i almost want to dig through my archives to see what this post was about... almost.
toronto new terminal
this is funny actually. this seems like quite a sincere and serious search query. someone was probably looking for info about the airport and they end up coming to my strange little self-serving site... heehee....
miss universe voyeur
this visitor from serbia is a dirrty dirrty person... just so dirrrty. *flirt*
sex and drugs
oh, if only they'd been searching sex and drugs and rock'n'roll!
[music | the warlocks, "just like surgery"]
raine maida shirtless
o. mi. gods. how disgusting is this!?! eeewwww. (and how immature am i for this response?) i was probably bitching about raine acting like he thinks he's lord of the universe or something... and who knows what i was rambling about with the whole shirtless thing
jodi yoga (this came up 3 times)
i am addicted to yoga. yes, it is true. but i think these searchers were looking for a jodi in new york who is a yoga instructor of some renown. actually, when you search that, you come up with a lot of yoga instructors named jodi. maybe it's the new prerequisite... damn, another missed calling
spontaneous human combustion
*shudders* i have long held a bizarre fascination with this phenomenon. may it never happen to me or to you or to anyone we know.
abba
this needs no explanation. abba ruled when i was 8 and abba still rules. i love it when people seach music and find my page.
chris koster
more music searches! yey for chris that ppl are searching him. then again, this visitor was from kingston... so it may have actually been chris himself.... *wink*
debbie harry
*sigh* who doesn't love blondie?
drugs and sport
interesting. lord knows that i have never ranted about drugs in sport... i almost want to dig through my archives to see what this post was about... almost.
toronto new terminal
this is funny actually. this seems like quite a sincere and serious search query. someone was probably looking for info about the airport and they end up coming to my strange little self-serving site... heehee....
miss universe voyeur
this visitor from serbia is a dirrty dirrty person... just so dirrrty. *flirt*
sex and drugs
oh, if only they'd been searching sex and drugs and rock'n'roll!
[music | the warlocks, "just like surgery"]
11.22.2005
what's for supper?
when is a coincidence just a result of random choices and situations and when is a coincidence something else...? if you google 'coincidence' you end up getting many many sites with many many explanations on why true coincidence does not exist and is rather just a mathematical equasion. and let me tell you that these mathematicians LOOOOOVE to go into incredible and excruciatingly boring detail about the how's, why's and wherefore's.
i am not a scientist. i am not a mathematician. i am an instinctive and intuitive creature... so my bias, when presented with a coincidental occurrence is to look at it and either get shivers or not. lately, i've been getting shivers.
my mom's side of the family has always seemed to just be a little more linked and in touch with each other than my dad's side. there's no hard evidence other than how supportive that side of my family has been, how close they were (and still are) and how much my grandmother just 'knew' stuff about you. :) my grandma k was very much a devoted catholic, but she was somehow wired into the magick of her scots and irish blood. perhaps it was through her great faith (in her deity and in her family) that she seemed to know events in your life before they happened - or perhaps she just willed the events into destiny... i don't know... i'm also not a theologist!
but back to coincidence and my life. when i was a university student here in toronto, i had to survive on very little money. from time to time my mom would send me 'care-packages' from my alberta home. often times there would be something in that box of goodies that i had thought i needed only the week or days before. for example, i remember thinking i needed to head to honest ed's to pick up some new cheap facecloths and low and behold.. when i opened the next box - there was a stack of 4 new plushy white facecloths for me. another time i was thinking i needed a hardcover book for a new journal that i wanted to keep for story ideas. the next thing you know, i had a care package that included 2 hardcover journals.
a skeptic could say that facecloths and notebooks are standard things that a mom would send to a child in university - but the fact remains that she sent those items just when i needed them.
i believe.
and more recently (since my university days are LOOOONG behind me) the coincidences have spread to cooking and baking and now also include my sister. i'm still in toronto and my mom is still in stony plain and my sister now lives in edmonton. this weekend while i was on the phone with my mom she was telling me about a dish she was making for supper (a yucky dish i can't stand, but that she and my dad love... sauerkraut with potatos and pork hocks). i told her that the last time we talked she was making sauerkraut. she laughed and said she hardly ever made it, and was only making it this last time because of some big edmonton eskimo football game that was going to be on tv that afternoon.
i agree that is just a coincidence. i tend to talk to my mom on weekends and on weekends she would be more likely to make a big dish like sauerkraut because she and my dad would be more likely to have guests over. you know, to watch things like important football games. i see that. i'm not that touched!
but where the coincidence factor kicks in is when my mom told me that she and my sister had begun starting to make the same dish for dinner several times over the last while. dishes that they hadn't talked about in advance. they would be talking on the phone and discover that they're making the same soup or casserole or other things that meat-eaters in alberta might make.
my sister and i both love to cook and we both grew up in a house where our mom made dinner ever single night... and made full dinners with a main course, a veggie, bread and a salad. every single night. so my sister may have picked up some recipes from my mom's repertoire... that is true... but to make the same thing on the same day... that's just beyond random. there's some sort of connection there beyond just looking in the 'fridge and pulling out the same ingredients.
and to further prove that... as my mom was telling me about her sister and their double hamburger soup incident i said, "since we're talking recipes, i need to ask you for your banana bread recipe." she asked why, in a somewhat strange voice. i had made banana bread the day before and i was not happy with it. it was good, yes, but it wasn't as good as my mom's is. as it turns out, my mom had made 3 loaves of banana bread on the same day i did. weird, huh? she made a loaf for herself and a loaf for both my sister and brother's families.
now i think that's just too bizzarre for words.
[music | sigur ros, "glosoli"]
i am not a scientist. i am not a mathematician. i am an instinctive and intuitive creature... so my bias, when presented with a coincidental occurrence is to look at it and either get shivers or not. lately, i've been getting shivers.
my mom's side of the family has always seemed to just be a little more linked and in touch with each other than my dad's side. there's no hard evidence other than how supportive that side of my family has been, how close they were (and still are) and how much my grandmother just 'knew' stuff about you. :) my grandma k was very much a devoted catholic, but she was somehow wired into the magick of her scots and irish blood. perhaps it was through her great faith (in her deity and in her family) that she seemed to know events in your life before they happened - or perhaps she just willed the events into destiny... i don't know... i'm also not a theologist!
but back to coincidence and my life. when i was a university student here in toronto, i had to survive on very little money. from time to time my mom would send me 'care-packages' from my alberta home. often times there would be something in that box of goodies that i had thought i needed only the week or days before. for example, i remember thinking i needed to head to honest ed's to pick up some new cheap facecloths and low and behold.. when i opened the next box - there was a stack of 4 new plushy white facecloths for me. another time i was thinking i needed a hardcover book for a new journal that i wanted to keep for story ideas. the next thing you know, i had a care package that included 2 hardcover journals.
a skeptic could say that facecloths and notebooks are standard things that a mom would send to a child in university - but the fact remains that she sent those items just when i needed them.
i believe.
and more recently (since my university days are LOOOONG behind me) the coincidences have spread to cooking and baking and now also include my sister. i'm still in toronto and my mom is still in stony plain and my sister now lives in edmonton. this weekend while i was on the phone with my mom she was telling me about a dish she was making for supper (a yucky dish i can't stand, but that she and my dad love... sauerkraut with potatos and pork hocks). i told her that the last time we talked she was making sauerkraut. she laughed and said she hardly ever made it, and was only making it this last time because of some big edmonton eskimo football game that was going to be on tv that afternoon.
i agree that is just a coincidence. i tend to talk to my mom on weekends and on weekends she would be more likely to make a big dish like sauerkraut because she and my dad would be more likely to have guests over. you know, to watch things like important football games. i see that. i'm not that touched!
but where the coincidence factor kicks in is when my mom told me that she and my sister had begun starting to make the same dish for dinner several times over the last while. dishes that they hadn't talked about in advance. they would be talking on the phone and discover that they're making the same soup or casserole or other things that meat-eaters in alberta might make.
my sister and i both love to cook and we both grew up in a house where our mom made dinner ever single night... and made full dinners with a main course, a veggie, bread and a salad. every single night. so my sister may have picked up some recipes from my mom's repertoire... that is true... but to make the same thing on the same day... that's just beyond random. there's some sort of connection there beyond just looking in the 'fridge and pulling out the same ingredients.
and to further prove that... as my mom was telling me about her sister and their double hamburger soup incident i said, "since we're talking recipes, i need to ask you for your banana bread recipe." she asked why, in a somewhat strange voice. i had made banana bread the day before and i was not happy with it. it was good, yes, but it wasn't as good as my mom's is. as it turns out, my mom had made 3 loaves of banana bread on the same day i did. weird, huh? she made a loaf for herself and a loaf for both my sister and brother's families.
now i think that's just too bizzarre for words.
[music | sigur ros, "glosoli"]
11.16.2005
i miss the sparkly x
what do you do when someone you've been friends with for over 10 years begins to morph into someone nearly unrecognizable to you? do you just smile with silent complicity or do you begin to take several large steps backward or do you heed the call of responsibility and say the unpleasant things in hopes of handing a torch to your friend (take a look at the landscape of your life now, just take a look!) or do you hand over that torch and watch helplessly as they begin to set fire to 10 years of laughter and tears.
what do you do when your friend (let's call them "x") begins seeing someone and then promptly begins to exhibit signs of losing their own strongly developed sense of self and identity. with the new love x has begun to take on traits that i'd never seen in the previous 10 years. are these new traits x's traits that had been just so buried beneath the surface that they were denied even to x? or is x swimming in the murky muck of co-dependence? probably both.
the strangest thing to me is that i've never even met x's new love. and x has been seeing this person since the spring of 2005. over half a year ago. and x is a person that up until that time, i'd been seeing on roughly a weekly basis for the past 2 and a half years. we'd lost touch for a few years and then bang, we were friends again. the last time we lost touch, x had begun to spend a lot of time with some new friends. as x came out of seeing those new friends, i came back on the scene. so is this just a pattern? does x tire and bore of folks and i'm just 'lucky' that i was allowed back in?
i have written and re-written this entry many times. i feel like i'm giving away a lot of myself here and want to be o-so-cautious. x knows of this blog, but i think that x very rarely comes here. it's not like i'm writing this to open a dialog. x knows my feelings about the new love.
x knows that i can't stand the fact that the new love has shown violent tendencies (yelling, biting, hiting, bruising, throwing things, punching the wall) and x knows that i am not comfortable with the fact that x now finds themselves doing many of the same things. and x tells me about their own violent disfuction in a way that seems to me like, "see, my love is not the only fucked up one. i am pretty fucked up too! give me a cookie and hate on my new love less, will you?"
it seems that x (a sensitive and highly intelligent person) now feels that punching the person that fired you is a good and positive solution. when i objected to that logic, x came out with a very patronizing "i don't mean to put you down, but...." (i'm not an idiot... i know that when a sentence starts that way, it's like flashing a huge red sign that says, "it's so cute that you have an opinion, however, you are soooooooooo unaware when it comes to this matter, and let me show you just how silly you sound")
i miss x. i miss the old x. i must prepare for the fact that the old x is now gone. i wonder if the new x will still have room for my friendship? i wonder if i can sit by and watch this keep happening? or am i being selfish in wanting things to remain the same?
[music | tori amos, "hey jupiter"]
what do you do when your friend (let's call them "x") begins seeing someone and then promptly begins to exhibit signs of losing their own strongly developed sense of self and identity. with the new love x has begun to take on traits that i'd never seen in the previous 10 years. are these new traits x's traits that had been just so buried beneath the surface that they were denied even to x? or is x swimming in the murky muck of co-dependence? probably both.
the strangest thing to me is that i've never even met x's new love. and x has been seeing this person since the spring of 2005. over half a year ago. and x is a person that up until that time, i'd been seeing on roughly a weekly basis for the past 2 and a half years. we'd lost touch for a few years and then bang, we were friends again. the last time we lost touch, x had begun to spend a lot of time with some new friends. as x came out of seeing those new friends, i came back on the scene. so is this just a pattern? does x tire and bore of folks and i'm just 'lucky' that i was allowed back in?
i have written and re-written this entry many times. i feel like i'm giving away a lot of myself here and want to be o-so-cautious. x knows of this blog, but i think that x very rarely comes here. it's not like i'm writing this to open a dialog. x knows my feelings about the new love.
x knows that i can't stand the fact that the new love has shown violent tendencies (yelling, biting, hiting, bruising, throwing things, punching the wall) and x knows that i am not comfortable with the fact that x now finds themselves doing many of the same things. and x tells me about their own violent disfuction in a way that seems to me like, "see, my love is not the only fucked up one. i am pretty fucked up too! give me a cookie and hate on my new love less, will you?"
it seems that x (a sensitive and highly intelligent person) now feels that punching the person that fired you is a good and positive solution. when i objected to that logic, x came out with a very patronizing "i don't mean to put you down, but...." (i'm not an idiot... i know that when a sentence starts that way, it's like flashing a huge red sign that says, "it's so cute that you have an opinion, however, you are soooooooooo unaware when it comes to this matter, and let me show you just how silly you sound")
i miss x. i miss the old x. i must prepare for the fact that the old x is now gone. i wonder if the new x will still have room for my friendship? i wonder if i can sit by and watch this keep happening? or am i being selfish in wanting things to remain the same?
[music | tori amos, "hey jupiter"]
11.14.2005
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 4, 3, 2 ,1
i found this over on myspace... and thought it'd make more of an interesting blog post as opposed to a unsuspecting bulletin forced on all of my friends over there.... who, by the by, are mostly bands and musicians. i'm sure madonna and dave gahan don't care about my faves.... pretty damn positive, anyway.
10 favorites...
favorite color: green
favorite food: thai
favorite band: david usher / tori amos, such a toughie.... see the list on the side of my blog for more
favorite movie: wizard of oz / nightmare before christmas / willow / labrynth
favorite sport: yoga (is that a sport)
favorite season: autumn
favorite day of the week: don't have one
favorite ice cream flavor: butter pecan
9 currents...
current mood: hungry
current taste: fahbulous, darling
current clothes: black long sleeved t-shirt, knit komono shirt and jeans
current computer: compaq presario R3000, laptop
current time: 4:52 pm
current surroundings: living room
current annoyance(s): bad movies on tmn
8 firsts...
first best friend: derek - the son of my parent's friends, i called him "dirket"
first aim screen name: druidess
first pet: dog, named sam or sammy
first piercing: my ears
first crush: sadly, i think it was wayne gretzky. that or jesus. i blame my catholic upbringing!
first word: horse!
7 lasts
last cigarette: i've never had a first... the smell is too sickening to want to do it myself.
last drink: red wine, last night
last long car ride: toronto to hamilton - i'm rarely in a car, so that's a long ride for me!
last person you text messaged: no text for me
last movie seen: the looney tunes movie on tmn yesterday afternoon
last phone call: michael
last cd played: chris koster : secrets of the lonely
6 have you ever....
have you ever dated one of your best friends: no
have you ever hugged a stranger: yes
have you ever done drugs: yes
have you ever died: no
have you ever been on tv: yes
have you ever kissed someone you didn't know: yes
5 things i did last night :
1 - continued knitting on my latest project
2 - wrote a poem
3 - read my tarot cards
4 - watched "grey's anatomy", it's kinda good
5 - started a book named 'veronica'
4 places you've most recently travelled to...
1 - new york (october 2005)
2 - montreal (october 2005)
3 - saskatoon/edmonton (august 2005)
4 - montreal (april 2005)
3 places you've most recently been
1 - yoga class
2 - dr's office
3 - corner store
2 choices...
night or day: night
meat or vegetables: veggies
1 habit you'd like to rid yourself of :
procrastination
[music | stellastar, "sweet troubled soul"]
10 favorites...
favorite color: green
favorite food: thai
favorite band: david usher / tori amos, such a toughie.... see the list on the side of my blog for more
favorite movie: wizard of oz / nightmare before christmas / willow / labrynth
favorite sport: yoga (is that a sport)
favorite season: autumn
favorite day of the week: don't have one
favorite ice cream flavor: butter pecan
9 currents...
current mood: hungry
current taste: fahbulous, darling
current clothes: black long sleeved t-shirt, knit komono shirt and jeans
current computer: compaq presario R3000, laptop
current time: 4:52 pm
current surroundings: living room
current annoyance(s): bad movies on tmn
8 firsts...
first best friend: derek - the son of my parent's friends, i called him "dirket"
first aim screen name: druidess
first pet: dog, named sam or sammy
first piercing: my ears
first crush: sadly, i think it was wayne gretzky. that or jesus. i blame my catholic upbringing!
first word: horse!
7 lasts
last cigarette: i've never had a first... the smell is too sickening to want to do it myself.
last drink: red wine, last night
last long car ride: toronto to hamilton - i'm rarely in a car, so that's a long ride for me!
last person you text messaged: no text for me
last movie seen: the looney tunes movie on tmn yesterday afternoon
last phone call: michael
last cd played: chris koster : secrets of the lonely
6 have you ever....
have you ever dated one of your best friends: no
have you ever hugged a stranger: yes
have you ever done drugs: yes
have you ever died: no
have you ever been on tv: yes
have you ever kissed someone you didn't know: yes
5 things i did last night :
1 - continued knitting on my latest project
2 - wrote a poem
3 - read my tarot cards
4 - watched "grey's anatomy", it's kinda good
5 - started a book named 'veronica'
4 places you've most recently travelled to...
1 - new york (october 2005)
2 - montreal (october 2005)
3 - saskatoon/edmonton (august 2005)
4 - montreal (april 2005)
3 places you've most recently been
1 - yoga class
2 - dr's office
3 - corner store
2 choices...
night or day: night
meat or vegetables: veggies
1 habit you'd like to rid yourself of :
procrastination
[music | stellastar, "sweet troubled soul"]
11.11.2005
random things
i'm not really certain what exactly this is - but after you get over the disturbing imagery, it's quite fun. if george gets stuck, just nudge him along with your wee mousie.
i have sent a resume off to a job in new york. sure, i've been sending out resumes here in toronto too... but someone has to finally respond, right? why can't it be new york? and as audrey says, they should schedule the interview for december 5th. piano's in nyc has an interesting artist playing on that day.
the lcbo is handing out giant magazines for free. these magazines are full of amazing recipe's for the holidays. cakes with liquours, cookies with a dash of liquour, cocktails galore, pan sauces with liquours... happy boozey holidays everyone! do you not want to drink something called the mistletoe martini? on a less alcohol-soaked note, i am so going to try the portabello mushroom lasagne... yummy.
and sweden has decided to play the mean old curmudgeon and rip the veil off of imagination. seems sweden has a lake monster that was protected under their endangered species act. was protected. it's now free game and hunters have taken to the lake in droves to catch and kill the beastie. nice. does science have to defeat imagination at every turn? of course the hunters will not find anything and the debate will continue on whether or not the thing exists. isn't it nice to just have something beyond our experience to believe in? isn't it nice to know that somewhere deep in the lakes of the world a prehistoric monster lives on (if not that lake, pick another one, most countries have a similar legend)? damn rational scientists.
also - is it wrong for me to be loving madonna's new song? i think it has something to do with the abba sample she used. ah, abba. one of my earliest musical loves. yes... my first two albums that i bought with my own allowance money were blondie's greatest hits and abba's super trooper. i knew abba from my mom's 8-tracks, but my 9-year-old self had no idea who blondie was - i think i must of just picked it because i loved the kick-ass cover of debbie harry and her band on the roof of a manhattan building. a love of abba and blondie has followed me through my entire life. what was your first album purchase? and do you still love them now?
[music | madonna, "hung up"]
i have sent a resume off to a job in new york. sure, i've been sending out resumes here in toronto too... but someone has to finally respond, right? why can't it be new york? and as audrey says, they should schedule the interview for december 5th. piano's in nyc has an interesting artist playing on that day.
the lcbo is handing out giant magazines for free. these magazines are full of amazing recipe's for the holidays. cakes with liquours, cookies with a dash of liquour, cocktails galore, pan sauces with liquours... happy boozey holidays everyone! do you not want to drink something called the mistletoe martini? on a less alcohol-soaked note, i am so going to try the portabello mushroom lasagne... yummy.
and sweden has decided to play the mean old curmudgeon and rip the veil off of imagination. seems sweden has a lake monster that was protected under their endangered species act. was protected. it's now free game and hunters have taken to the lake in droves to catch and kill the beastie. nice. does science have to defeat imagination at every turn? of course the hunters will not find anything and the debate will continue on whether or not the thing exists. isn't it nice to just have something beyond our experience to believe in? isn't it nice to know that somewhere deep in the lakes of the world a prehistoric monster lives on (if not that lake, pick another one, most countries have a similar legend)? damn rational scientists.
also - is it wrong for me to be loving madonna's new song? i think it has something to do with the abba sample she used. ah, abba. one of my earliest musical loves. yes... my first two albums that i bought with my own allowance money were blondie's greatest hits and abba's super trooper. i knew abba from my mom's 8-tracks, but my 9-year-old self had no idea who blondie was - i think i must of just picked it because i loved the kick-ass cover of debbie harry and her band on the roof of a manhattan building. a love of abba and blondie has followed me through my entire life. what was your first album purchase? and do you still love them now?
[music | madonna, "hung up"]
11.08.2005
nyc and the mighty monkey
so this blog has become a bit of a wasteland... i've been delinquent in visiting it, never mind even thinking of posting on it. for a while there i thought that my desire was derailed by my newly renewed obsession with myspace, but no... that bores me too. i think the real reason is that i wanted my nyc post to be a thing of beauty. i wanted my words to mirror my experiences - but some things just refuse to be recorded. much like the ghost-hunter who tries to accurately capture his latest escapade, but only finds failure in his audio recordings, his photo catures and a blank mind when it comes to eyewitness reports.
so what follows will be a bit of a high-school yearbook entry. random bits that really will only make sense to me and perhaps a few select others. and in a few years time, i won't know what i was blathering about either! seriously, have you ever re-read your highschool yearbook? i don't know what in hades i was on about.
alarm rings at 4:30am. cab arrives at 5:45am. in the plane ready to take off at 7:30am. 8:00am - still sitting on the runway. sometime after 8 we hear this announcement, "this is the pilot speaking. sorry for the delay folks but we're having some engine
grand central terminal is large. traffic is insane. how long are we going to sit here waiting for the shuttle bus... should we just pop into the subway? and then it turns out that we were within walking distance of the hotel. ahh... good times.
lesson to remember - if one is taking the time to go up the empire state building, one should not expect the weather to be as clear and sunny on top as it was when you started waiting in line 30 minutes earlier.
lesson #2 - when one encounters a wholesale store dedicated to semi-precious stones one should remember that one does not hold a craft license in the state of new york and therefore will not be able to buy anything, no matter how pretty or inexpensive it is. no falling in love. no hatching of schemes to get random strangers to purchase items for you. when you leave, resist the urge to run madly through the streets shouting, "i love malachite! and it loves meeeee!!!!!". for the record, i did resist, but just barely.
when in nyc on a friday evening, make sure you hit MoMA between 4 & 8. coz it's free. and you will not believe the unbelievable works of art that you can see for free. amazing. of course, if you are a cultural moron like myself, you will really only want to hit the 2 floors with the paintings. modern sculputure and bizarre architectrural drawings really don't do anything for me. and i don't think they do for most people. so stick to the vincent's (that's van gogh to those who haven't seen his works in person) and the cezanne's and the dali's and the picasso's and the matisse's and the monet's. you get the point. unreal.
when buying these super cool drinking glasses back as a gift for your cat-sitters... don't be too bitter if they don't appear to give a shit over them. just plan ways to sneak into their place and steal them back.
central park is green and gorgeous and not a bit creepy, even in twilight.
the met is BIG. bigger than it seems possible. is that billy zane or just some random guy with a shaved head? why is the special egyptian exhibit closed? suckage. the drawings of vincent van gogh caught a lot of people. not us, we sped through like the hounds of hades were nipping at our heels. i guess after seeing the orgy of vincent the night before, we had one gogh too many. is it just me, or is the ghostly medium exhibit, kind of, well, weird? what's with the fluids portion? really. what was with it?
the candle cafe gave me one of the bestest meals of my life... ever. though my first few bites i was disappointed. it took a few bites for the complexity of it to really take.... amazing, really. they have a cookbook available - i want! the place was recommended as the best veggie restaurant by a native new yorker, she wasn't wrong.
the farmer's market at union square on saturday morning was incredible. if i lived in nyc, i would be there every saturday. all the fresh veggies you could want. and one table had all varieties of fresh hot peppers and chili's. they would become my best friends, yes they would.
abc carpet & home is the optimum place to go to drool. such wonderful little items for the house and home. the flagship store was on broadway near union square and it was absolutely amazing. and we met the nicest person there. she recommended many great places in the city. she also lives in the east village. rock on.
and speaking of the east village - the best smelling store in the world is located there. red flower is divine. i'm actually glad i don't live in the city... i'd be broke buying lotions and creme's and candles. i brought home their african lily body lotion. divine.
moby's tea shop teany really lives up to it's name. and a pot of tea and a scone there will take you a long long way. and the washroom had to be the nicest and best smelling washroom i'd been in.... ever. and the one actual random 'famous person' sighting took place there (we're not 100% certain about mr. zane). no, not moby - but mike myers. yes, that's right. mike myers, the toronto boy. who we've seen at least half-a-dozen times each in toronto. heehee.
and who can forget the rockwood. the place that introduced me to the joys of gin and pomegranate juice. one can get a nice buzz on AND detoxify at the same time. ha! who said it couldn't be done. *wink* and one can sit there from 6:00 until 12:30 drinking copious amounts of not-water and even see david usher there from time to time. what an amazing experience. next i feel he should come play in my living room!
all in all, i'm now searching new york job listings.... seriously. can you just imagine it?
music [madonna, "hung up"]
so what follows will be a bit of a high-school yearbook entry. random bits that really will only make sense to me and perhaps a few select others. and in a few years time, i won't know what i was blathering about either! seriously, have you ever re-read your highschool yearbook? i don't know what in hades i was on about.
alarm rings at 4:30am. cab arrives at 5:45am. in the plane ready to take off at 7:30am. 8:00am - still sitting on the runway. sometime after 8 we hear this announcement, "this is the pilot speaking. sorry for the delay folks but we're having some engine
grand central terminal is large. traffic is insane. how long are we going to sit here waiting for the shuttle bus... should we just pop into the subway? and then it turns out that we were within walking distance of the hotel. ahh... good times.
lesson to remember - if one is taking the time to go up the empire state building, one should not expect the weather to be as clear and sunny on top as it was when you started waiting in line 30 minutes earlier.
lesson #2 - when one encounters a wholesale store dedicated to semi-precious stones one should remember that one does not hold a craft license in the state of new york and therefore will not be able to buy anything, no matter how pretty or inexpensive it is. no falling in love. no hatching of schemes to get random strangers to purchase items for you. when you leave, resist the urge to run madly through the streets shouting, "i love malachite! and it loves meeeee!!!!!". for the record, i did resist, but just barely.
when in nyc on a friday evening, make sure you hit MoMA between 4 & 8. coz it's free. and you will not believe the unbelievable works of art that you can see for free. amazing. of course, if you are a cultural moron like myself, you will really only want to hit the 2 floors with the paintings. modern sculputure and bizarre architectrural drawings really don't do anything for me. and i don't think they do for most people. so stick to the vincent's (that's van gogh to those who haven't seen his works in person) and the cezanne's and the dali's and the picasso's and the matisse's and the monet's. you get the point. unreal.
when buying these super cool drinking glasses back as a gift for your cat-sitters... don't be too bitter if they don't appear to give a shit over them. just plan ways to sneak into their place and steal them back.
central park is green and gorgeous and not a bit creepy, even in twilight.
the met is BIG. bigger than it seems possible. is that billy zane or just some random guy with a shaved head? why is the special egyptian exhibit closed? suckage. the drawings of vincent van gogh caught a lot of people. not us, we sped through like the hounds of hades were nipping at our heels. i guess after seeing the orgy of vincent the night before, we had one gogh too many. is it just me, or is the ghostly medium exhibit, kind of, well, weird? what's with the fluids portion? really. what was with it?
the candle cafe gave me one of the bestest meals of my life... ever. though my first few bites i was disappointed. it took a few bites for the complexity of it to really take.... amazing, really. they have a cookbook available - i want! the place was recommended as the best veggie restaurant by a native new yorker, she wasn't wrong.
the farmer's market at union square on saturday morning was incredible. if i lived in nyc, i would be there every saturday. all the fresh veggies you could want. and one table had all varieties of fresh hot peppers and chili's. they would become my best friends, yes they would.
abc carpet & home is the optimum place to go to drool. such wonderful little items for the house and home. the flagship store was on broadway near union square and it was absolutely amazing. and we met the nicest person there. she recommended many great places in the city. she also lives in the east village. rock on.
and speaking of the east village - the best smelling store in the world is located there. red flower is divine. i'm actually glad i don't live in the city... i'd be broke buying lotions and creme's and candles. i brought home their african lily body lotion. divine.
moby's tea shop teany really lives up to it's name. and a pot of tea and a scone there will take you a long long way. and the washroom had to be the nicest and best smelling washroom i'd been in.... ever. and the one actual random 'famous person' sighting took place there (we're not 100% certain about mr. zane). no, not moby - but mike myers. yes, that's right. mike myers, the toronto boy. who we've seen at least half-a-dozen times each in toronto. heehee.
and who can forget the rockwood. the place that introduced me to the joys of gin and pomegranate juice. one can get a nice buzz on AND detoxify at the same time. ha! who said it couldn't be done. *wink* and one can sit there from 6:00 until 12:30 drinking copious amounts of not-water and even see david usher there from time to time. what an amazing experience. next i feel he should come play in my living room!
all in all, i'm now searching new york job listings.... seriously. can you just imagine it?
music [madonna, "hung up"]
nyc photos...
don't you want to be here? this was central park on october 31, 2005.
being the eyptian geek that i am... i had to post this one.... i have a series of 5 of them from all different angles...
central park waterfall.... i think you can see faeries dancing here!
a view of lower manhattan from the empire state building. that's the teeny-tiny statue of libety out there in the distance.
and speaking of the empire state building....
the flatiron building. i think it may be one of my favorite buildings in nyc.
this is the new yorker hotel. it was my home for 4 glorious days in october. it's celebrating it's 75th anniversary this year. i'd go back, in a flash.
11.03.2005
what's supposed to be
this was meant to be a happy excited blog entry about my trip to new york - which was absolutely amazing, to say the least. and that entry may yet come. however, i awoke early this morning with feelings of doom and dread and with the actual metalic taste of fear in my mouth. fear of my own unwillingness to take just "any" job. or even look for anything other than a music related one, for that matter. and this is apparently a stupid childish dream. one which i should grow up out of. they do say that most people hate their jobs. i don't want to be one of those people. i want to have a job i love and a job that i am good at and a job that fulfills me. i know what it's like to hate your job... it's not a good feeling. i think i will be lucky to get any job that comes my way now. my employment insurance runs out in february... when in february, i'm not sure... i'm scared to actually call and find out. i have one potential solid job lead - however it's been dangling in front of my face for a couple of months now. it's a situation where the company who has contacted me is still waiting for a different company to give them the go ahead. i had put my eggs, my muffins, my cookies all in this one basket. stupid. i think the basket has a hole in the bottom. and someone has sent me a lead for a real crap ass job that i am so over qualified for. one that would bore me to tears everyday... but i am sending off a resume. i am about to be a beggar, so i must not be a chooser. i really was hoping that my contacts would end up paying off for me. and they might yet still. but today does not seem to be that day.
[music | no music today, just the sound of my laptop in my silent house]
[music | no music today, just the sound of my laptop in my silent house]
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