what's supposed to be

this was meant to be a happy excited blog entry about my trip to new york - which was absolutely amazing, to say the least. and that entry may yet come. however, i awoke early this morning with feelings of doom and dread and with the actual metalic taste of fear in my mouth. fear of my own unwillingness to take just "any" job. or even look for anything other than a music related one, for that matter. and this is apparently a stupid childish dream. one which i should grow up out of. they do say that most people hate their jobs. i don't want to be one of those people. i want to have a job i love and a job that i am good at and a job that fulfills me. i know what it's like to hate your job... it's not a good feeling. i think i will be lucky to get any job that comes my way now. my employment insurance runs out in february... when in february, i'm not sure... i'm scared to actually call and find out. i have one potential solid job lead - however it's been dangling in front of my face for a couple of months now. it's a situation where the company who has contacted me is still waiting for a different company to give them the go ahead. i had put my eggs, my muffins, my cookies all in this one basket. stupid. i think the basket has a hole in the bottom. and someone has sent me a lead for a real crap ass job that i am so over qualified for. one that would bore me to tears everyday... but i am sending off a resume. i am about to be a beggar, so i must not be a chooser. i really was hoping that my contacts would end up paying off for me. and they might yet still. but today does not seem to be that day.

[music | no music today, just the sound of my laptop in my silent house]