i believe

i just want to know why i do believe.... belief systems and beliefs in certain things being certain ways are comforting - but they also can act as blinders on the horse, a placebo provided by the practioner or a false history surrendered to a new love.

i believe in all sorts of things - one of which being astrology. the logical mind tells us this is crap "science" but the akashik heart sees much further than the pages of discovery magazine. each and every month i go to astrology zone where susan miller posts lengthy pages for each and every sun sign. i read her (and rob brezney's free will astrology) more often than any other astrological source and i have to say that i have found some uncomfortable comparisons to her writings and events in my own life. she can often predict job turmoil for me - and job bliss too.

this august's missive for me is somewhat disturbing. she writes as though it shall be the best of times, it shall be the worst of times. and when i read it, i remember firing off an email to a friend saying that it alarmed me that the astrologer wrote more about the good things and just ominously mentioned that the good days will come with the trying and that i will feel as though i am on the rollercoaster from hell (or something like that). i joked that the month of august would probably be bad with a few chocolate sprinkles tossed in for good measure.

then i put it promptly out of my head.

then the next day i find that the government is out to get me. no, i'm not sitting at home wearing a tin foil hat. seems that though i am eligible for EI benefits, they were suspended pending a review of my situation. it also seems that the work i've been doing for mr. record producer (and we're literally talking 80.00 a week, 40.00 a week, 60.00 a week) is considered "self-employment" and self-employment is grounds for loss of benefits. fuck me. like i can exist on less than 400.00 a month. get a grip.

so my thursday was spent in tears, in vomit, in headache, in meetings at the local HRDC office and in nap. when i finally left the office, it was with a 98.99% assurance that all would be well and that my money would be processed in the next few days - though i could take as long as 4 weeks for a decision to be made. i called on friday to get an update and heard nothing.

which led to some panic all weekend long.

panic that i forced back down into the seething pit it kept trying to claw it's way out of. i refused to acknowledge the fear. why surrender to powerful negative energy when i didn't even know if it was valid. back damned beast! back!

then this morning i got a call from HRDC and all is well. they thanked me for filing my hours and hoped that i would continue to do so (reading between the lines, "don't start getting paid under the table, please be honest").

so we're back to the 'i believe' statement. it's a chicken and egg thing. it's a forest and trees thing. does that astrology zone write up see patterns that may be emanating my way which causes certain affects. or is it the fact that i read the essay and lend it some of my own belief that it begins to manifest in my day-to-day existence. or am i just looking for things that aren't there?

[music | the beatles, "penny lane"]