borrowed from a dream

this morning i dragged myself out of bed earlier than i wanted to. maybe it was the pressure on my bladder, but i had a dream early this morning that is lingering like the smell of stale cigarettes.

it was a dream of the movie of my life. the person playing me was the girl from the ctv show "instant star". i had to look her up to find her name - alexz johnson. i've watched the show a few times, but only because members of david usher's band are in some of the episodes as part of ms. instant star's band.

anyway - in my dream, we were reliving some actual and some fictional accounts of my life circa the university era. what was real - i was a journalism student and i was working on the annual ryerson review of journalism. what wasn't real - i was working at the perfume counter at a suburban shoppers drug mart (i actually worked at an indie book store in downtown toronto).

in the movie dream i was treated horribly by the other students - kind of treated like the gum on the bottom of their shoes - there and needing to be dealt with, but it's not a pleasant thing. and the instructors all seemed to hate me and my work. in the scene where we were working on the magazine - i was being told to fetch coffee and being yelled at because my fact checking and copy editing wasn't worthy of everyone else's work. i was wearing big baggy clothes and wearing a strange yellow and black houndstooth shirt. very strange. and quite unflattering!

then the dream had a voiceover (told you it was like a movie) where i/alexz johnson was taking the bus to work. the voiceover was all about how i flunked out of j-school and did not graduate with my degree and she started to go on about how much this affected her life when i woke myself up.

my waking self (admittedly groggy and stupid with sleep) started thinking that i should take my degree off of my resume because if anyone found it out, it would be bad and i'd have no answer for it. then i started to feel like a failure because i couldn't even graduate university. but of course - I DID. i remembered that i did get my degree and that my mom even flew in for the ceremony.

silliness that should of dissipated when i washed the sleep from my eyes - but for some reason it hasn't. i feel like my subconscious is playing a nasty game on me. telling me that i am sub-par and just not a winner at life. rationally i know this is stupid. besides - who the hell wins at life? is there something to win? argh!

maybe this is all because of the dinner i made for a friend last night (spaghetti squash with peppers, carrots and tofu and an apple curried soup). he's quit smoking and been going through some relationship turmoil - both of which are leading to some pretty acute anxiety attacks. we talked and talked and talked and talked about it. maybe i'm absorbing....

on a more positive note - there are 4 new live performances by david usher up on the sympatico site. go check out the orange lounge for some amazing music.

[music | david usher, "faithless"]